Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Missing Out on Something? Not anymore!
I missed my friends in training..especially after today that I get to be with some of them and share the same pain during training. It makes me feel bad for not texting some of them or inviting some of them to train with me, guess Im just guarding my emotions. I hate being rejected..all the more, I hate being ignored. Once is enough, twice is too much. My attitude is that I don't want to drag people into something they are not really willing to do..give me excuses then fine, you will never hear anything from me. I just realized that I'm all alone in this which was depressing at first but as days pass by, I realized that I can no longer depend on people for that little piece of happiness and that I have to endure this pain of being alone. Anyway, It's just gonna be me inside the ring..no friends, no family, no pets (of course no pets!)..no one. My coach will be along the sidelines instructing me what to do. But sometimes, it feels good having a few people you can lean on for support. The day that I needed them the most was the day they weren't there and I guess, I just have to accept that they will never be there even in my big day. So yeah, screw it..I'm training alone unless someone volunteers his/her ass to train with me, until then, I'll find peace in my solitude.
Friday, July 6, 2012
On Love, Dreams and Second chances
prep graduation, Bible Baptist Seminary and Institute, March '92
little Katie: My name is Katherine Rabano Demayo, I am 6 years old. My favorite bible verse is John 3:16...For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but will have everlasting life. When I grow up, I like to become a Doctor someday so I can cure sick people.
As some of you may know, my two life long dreams are University of the Philippines and Med school. Learning is my passion, the school is my playground, and my diploma is my treasure. UP Diliman failed since I finished my Bachelor's degree in UST, med school failed as well since Dad had health issues by the time I was seeking for admission in med school. Question is, where am I today...I'll be posting something I wrote in my multiply account a little over 2 years ago..I believe I am still at this stage of my life minus all the emo and drama since I got used to it...read through.
6 feet under
I killed a cockroach earlier today and I know its not something that I have to be proud of..not even close to have it being posted here...but then again I realized something as I watch that tiny thing run for its life, hiding somewhere so it can escape from my wrath..so it can live once more. I knew in a heart beat that I am just like that cockroach..And I know that its so pathetic having myself compared to a pest, but yeah, lately I've been trying to hide in my own world and live basically for nothing. Everyday is a pointless battle with uncertainty of what's going to happen next...WHAT THE HELL DO I REALLY WANT ANYWAY? Why wake up each morning facing a brand new day without a definite path I should run along...a clear goal that I can claim my own. I am but a futile being who has the slightest idea of what she really wanted to be...Wht can't dreams be an inch away from reality? Facing the mirror everyday, what I see is a damn reflection of a worthless individual wanting, dreaming and wishing for big things to happen.
Who am I?
What ground am I standing?
Where have I been all along?
20 years from now I will definitley look back and see this life that I have right now and I am not sure if I can be proud of this...each day I get a picture of me collecting bits and pieces of dreams...some defile me because of these dreams i have, they say its far from reality..and so I don't know if I should still believe in them or if it would be better to just quit believing in them...I'm tired..the fire from the wick in my oil lamp is slowly burning out and I am losing patience and passion in believing...just like that dying cockroach...I am hopless and eventually I have no choice but to start all over again...going back to that darkness where I used to be....
little Katie: My name is Katherine Rabano Demayo, I am 6 years old. My favorite bible verse is John 3:16...For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but will have everlasting life. When I grow up, I like to become a Doctor someday so I can cure sick people.
As some of you may know, my two life long dreams are University of the Philippines and Med school. Learning is my passion, the school is my playground, and my diploma is my treasure. UP Diliman failed since I finished my Bachelor's degree in UST, med school failed as well since Dad had health issues by the time I was seeking for admission in med school. Question is, where am I today...I'll be posting something I wrote in my multiply account a little over 2 years ago..I believe I am still at this stage of my life minus all the emo and drama since I got used to it...read through.
6 feet under
I killed a cockroach earlier today and I know its not something that I have to be proud of..not even close to have it being posted here...but then again I realized something as I watch that tiny thing run for its life, hiding somewhere so it can escape from my wrath..so it can live once more. I knew in a heart beat that I am just like that cockroach..And I know that its so pathetic having myself compared to a pest, but yeah, lately I've been trying to hide in my own world and live basically for nothing. Everyday is a pointless battle with uncertainty of what's going to happen next...WHAT THE HELL DO I REALLY WANT ANYWAY? Why wake up each morning facing a brand new day without a definite path I should run along...a clear goal that I can claim my own. I am but a futile being who has the slightest idea of what she really wanted to be...Wht can't dreams be an inch away from reality? Facing the mirror everyday, what I see is a damn reflection of a worthless individual wanting, dreaming and wishing for big things to happen.
Who am I?
What ground am I standing?
Where have I been all along?
20 years from now I will definitley look back and see this life that I have right now and I am not sure if I can be proud of this...each day I get a picture of me collecting bits and pieces of dreams...some defile me because of these dreams i have, they say its far from reality..and so I don't know if I should still believe in them or if it would be better to just quit believing in them...I'm tired..the fire from the wick in my oil lamp is slowly burning out and I am losing patience and passion in believing...just like that dying cockroach...I am hopless and eventually I have no choice but to start all over again...going back to that darkness where I used to be....
It's ONE of those DAYS....
Im mad at you. yes I am. You kept me expecting, hey I really really like to surf and be with you and when I said I am excited and thrilled to have that ride, I meant it! You kept me hanging stoked..and I hated it. Im mad. because you've set a date for a training, YOU SET THAT DATE..and yet, you didn't come. I thought I'd be seeing you again, in fact I thought I'd see you regularly..but you decided that you wouldn't want to train at that gym anymore...you said you'd move to the gym where I used to train but you're obviously undecided...you don't reply to private messages, hey it's easy to say "I'll pass this time". I guess Im mad because I miss you again...please say something..anything..send a text message, send a message over FB...get a life in FB again at the very least..Just please, don't be silent..you make me happy in a certain way that I can't explain, it's like a pill that I badly needed to take.. that even if I don't see you physically, just a little of your presence in any medium possible and I'm alright....I miss you so bad Sir...but I guess Im ready to let go of this infatuation I have for you that I kept to myself for 2 years...I like you so bad that I don't want the feeling anymore because it makes me feel sad when I don't see you or hear from you or have a little knowledge of you. I guess it's goodbye Sir D.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Faith goals
Preparing for a 7 day fast by monday next week...something I call "Will re-alignment"..
1.) Completely give up the devil inside me and have me and Vincent submit to a spiritual deliverance after the fast
2.) Continuously hunger and desire for His Word
3.) Build a relationship with the Lord
4.) Give up my so-called priorities so I could serve in His ministry
5.) Have Vincent serve in the ministry with me
6.) Attend Sunday school with Vincent
7.) Balance my work out sched/social life and spiritual life
8.) Forgive and understand mommy
9.) Mommy's healing and complete submission for a spiritual deliverance, Daddy's health and continuous change.
10.) Work out our family's differences so we could have a peaceful and harmonious relationship with one another
11.) Learn to obey and honor my parents
12.) A new job in line with my profession and to a new pharmacist to replace me in the drugstore ASAP
13.) A savings account
14.) A healthier and fitter year
15.) Canada plans (have my parents support me, get my papers ready, have a smooth sailing visa application, get the visa approved, fly to canada)
16.) A job and comfortable life for Vincent
17.) Spiritual growth for me and Vincent
18.) Have Vincent take and pass the board exams within this year
19.) Have Vincent propose to me
20.) Get married before leaving for Canada
***I hope to do this fast every month moving forward...According to Matthew 4:2, Jesus fasted to forty days and forty nights, why can't I? The Spirit is stronger when the body is weak. When you are about to ask anything and you want to hear and feel His presence, strip yourself of earthly desires..of earthly needs and have Him fill in your spirit and soul with nothing but His Words.
1.) Completely give up the devil inside me and have me and Vincent submit to a spiritual deliverance after the fast
2.) Continuously hunger and desire for His Word
3.) Build a relationship with the Lord
4.) Give up my so-called priorities so I could serve in His ministry
5.) Have Vincent serve in the ministry with me
6.) Attend Sunday school with Vincent
7.) Balance my work out sched/social life and spiritual life
8.) Forgive and understand mommy
9.) Mommy's healing and complete submission for a spiritual deliverance, Daddy's health and continuous change.
10.) Work out our family's differences so we could have a peaceful and harmonious relationship with one another
11.) Learn to obey and honor my parents
12.) A new job in line with my profession and to a new pharmacist to replace me in the drugstore ASAP
13.) A savings account
14.) A healthier and fitter year
15.) Canada plans (have my parents support me, get my papers ready, have a smooth sailing visa application, get the visa approved, fly to canada)
16.) A job and comfortable life for Vincent
17.) Spiritual growth for me and Vincent
18.) Have Vincent take and pass the board exams within this year
19.) Have Vincent propose to me
20.) Get married before leaving for Canada
***I hope to do this fast every month moving forward...According to Matthew 4:2, Jesus fasted to forty days and forty nights, why can't I? The Spirit is stronger when the body is weak. When you are about to ask anything and you want to hear and feel His presence, strip yourself of earthly desires..of earthly needs and have Him fill in your spirit and soul with nothing but His Words.
Monday, December 12, 2011
The ONLY wish on the list...
This is the last thing I want for my family..NO, I never desired this for my family! But if this is God's will for us at the moment..then be it! Sometimes things have to be broken in order for it to be restored, same goes with my family, we have to be broken in order for us to be restored. If you've read my past post, I have written about one of my mom's psychotic episodes that nearly broke us then this post is nothing new to you I'm sure. Very very similar actually from that post...except that this time, dad left us.
I have been with mom for nearly a month now and I tell you, those days that I am with her felt like years in hell. Everyday is a battlefield, I cannot come near my dad or even look at him, because if I do so it's like we're blindly inviting for another psychotic attack from her, and that goes EVERY SINGLE DAY! And yesterday was...well, I thought everything was ok but I guess I thought wrong. Mom and I had a big fight few days prior their departure to the province due to one of her episodes and a day after they got back, mom approached me to apologize. I never harbor grudge in my heart and my nature is to forgive, it is one of those things that I acquired when I accepted Jesus in my heart. So regardless if you've hurt me big time, regardless if you have wounded my pride, stepped on my ego or spat on my face, as long as I get a sincere apology from you then that's good enough for me. I'm like a 5 year old kid than can easily forgive all the bad things thrown my way with just a simple and sincere sorry.
I was able to finish my Christmas shopping yesterday and I was so excited that I didn't mind if my feet sore or if I get squished among the crowd full of crazy christmas shoppers. Making my family happy this Christmas by getting gifts for them has been my drive to be the happy shopper which I usually am not. I got home late last night. My mom and my sister were waiting for me in the living room while dad was already in their room ready to go to sleep. To avoid discussions and to make them happy in the process, I brought them doughnuts and mom loved it, as a matter of fact she finished 2 large doughnuts. Just like an excited 5 year old kid, I showed her all the gifts I bought and she was as excited as I am. That appreciation I saw on her face is nothing but priceless. However, I still can't deny the fact that I was beaten tired. We asked her to get some rest since it was already past midnight, so she went inside the room while my sister and I were packing away all the stuff I bought. It wasn't my intention that I left the main door open and the gate unlocked. I only wanted to rest for a couple of minutes before I wash up, brush my teeth, check on the doors and hit the sack but I didn't imagine that those couple of minutes were crucial. My mom went out to I guess check on us..I dunno, she just went out and saw the door widely open..she checked the gate and it was unlocked and right then she went inside their room to throw accusations on dad. At past midnight, she ironed all the clothes just to keep her awake...just to guard us if we are planning to sneak in somebody inside the house for a group sex..with dad! Crazy? absolutely! Who in her right mind would accuse her own flesh and blood having an illicit relationship with her spouse? Her spouse who happens to be our own biological father! In the realm of science, for a child to be conceived, it requires a sperm and an egg to unite thus creating a zygote which will turn to an embryo which will then develops to a fetus, that sperm is of dad's and the egg is of mom's therefore, I together with my sister were the then fetus..So who in her right mind would think that way? who?! none except when you're psychotic! I didn't know all these until yesterday morning when I woke up at 7am finding daddy in the living room alone watching TV. He usually wakes up late nowadays so finding him awoken as early as 7am means there's something going on..and my expectations never failed me! Since Sunday till yesterday night, mom has been calling dad's family in zambo and fairview to spill all these bad beans about daddy. I'm just relieved that I have forewarned them about this and in the same way grateful that she was able to open up to them which actually created a loop hole so they can intervene in the situation. I normally don't want people to intervene in our family issues but lately, this has been my prayer actually because I now succumb to the fact that we cannot do this on our own. Come evening, as I was taking a short rest before prepping for work, mom was moving back and forth from their room and the living room blurting out things mainly of dad's alleged infidelity with different women which included her nieces, her mom, her friends..every one! With all those accusations dad just gave her the silent attack thinking she would get tired and stop. But the more dad got silent the more mom attacked her with words that are sharp enough to pierce him right through his heart. The final words that made dad finally snap was when she accused dad of incest. Dad said that she could say everything, connect him with all the women out there..he won't give a shit..but he will never tolerate being connected with his own daughters because that alone is a violation of his rights being our dad. All he did was to love and to take care of us and taking that against him is the biggest offender. Having mom step on his ego, dad packed his things and left the house. Right now I could say that we are officially broken until mom agrees to see a psychiatrist.
12 days till Christmas...12 days and we're apart from each other. I remember this Christmas carol about gifts being received during the entire 12 days till christmas. Who wouldn't like of all the cool stuff to be granted over the holidays? But sure, gifts are for the kids to enjoy so having to celebrate Christmas without gifts for adults is acceptable. But this time, can I ask for one wish this Christmas? Just this Christmas...can I be a kid again and ask for whatever I want? It doesn't have to take an entire 12 days list full of gifts. Promise, this will be my only wish on the list..ready for it? Here it is: Can I wish to bring my family back together for Christmas and make things ok again Lord? Can you make that possible please? :'(
I have been with mom for nearly a month now and I tell you, those days that I am with her felt like years in hell. Everyday is a battlefield, I cannot come near my dad or even look at him, because if I do so it's like we're blindly inviting for another psychotic attack from her, and that goes EVERY SINGLE DAY! And yesterday was...well, I thought everything was ok but I guess I thought wrong. Mom and I had a big fight few days prior their departure to the province due to one of her episodes and a day after they got back, mom approached me to apologize. I never harbor grudge in my heart and my nature is to forgive, it is one of those things that I acquired when I accepted Jesus in my heart. So regardless if you've hurt me big time, regardless if you have wounded my pride, stepped on my ego or spat on my face, as long as I get a sincere apology from you then that's good enough for me. I'm like a 5 year old kid than can easily forgive all the bad things thrown my way with just a simple and sincere sorry.
I was able to finish my Christmas shopping yesterday and I was so excited that I didn't mind if my feet sore or if I get squished among the crowd full of crazy christmas shoppers. Making my family happy this Christmas by getting gifts for them has been my drive to be the happy shopper which I usually am not. I got home late last night. My mom and my sister were waiting for me in the living room while dad was already in their room ready to go to sleep. To avoid discussions and to make them happy in the process, I brought them doughnuts and mom loved it, as a matter of fact she finished 2 large doughnuts. Just like an excited 5 year old kid, I showed her all the gifts I bought and she was as excited as I am. That appreciation I saw on her face is nothing but priceless. However, I still can't deny the fact that I was beaten tired. We asked her to get some rest since it was already past midnight, so she went inside the room while my sister and I were packing away all the stuff I bought. It wasn't my intention that I left the main door open and the gate unlocked. I only wanted to rest for a couple of minutes before I wash up, brush my teeth, check on the doors and hit the sack but I didn't imagine that those couple of minutes were crucial. My mom went out to I guess check on us..I dunno, she just went out and saw the door widely open..she checked the gate and it was unlocked and right then she went inside their room to throw accusations on dad. At past midnight, she ironed all the clothes just to keep her awake...just to guard us if we are planning to sneak in somebody inside the house for a group sex..with dad! Crazy? absolutely! Who in her right mind would accuse her own flesh and blood having an illicit relationship with her spouse? Her spouse who happens to be our own biological father! In the realm of science, for a child to be conceived, it requires a sperm and an egg to unite thus creating a zygote which will turn to an embryo which will then develops to a fetus, that sperm is of dad's and the egg is of mom's therefore, I together with my sister were the then fetus..So who in her right mind would think that way? who?! none except when you're psychotic! I didn't know all these until yesterday morning when I woke up at 7am finding daddy in the living room alone watching TV. He usually wakes up late nowadays so finding him awoken as early as 7am means there's something going on..and my expectations never failed me! Since Sunday till yesterday night, mom has been calling dad's family in zambo and fairview to spill all these bad beans about daddy. I'm just relieved that I have forewarned them about this and in the same way grateful that she was able to open up to them which actually created a loop hole so they can intervene in the situation. I normally don't want people to intervene in our family issues but lately, this has been my prayer actually because I now succumb to the fact that we cannot do this on our own. Come evening, as I was taking a short rest before prepping for work, mom was moving back and forth from their room and the living room blurting out things mainly of dad's alleged infidelity with different women which included her nieces, her mom, her friends..every one! With all those accusations dad just gave her the silent attack thinking she would get tired and stop. But the more dad got silent the more mom attacked her with words that are sharp enough to pierce him right through his heart. The final words that made dad finally snap was when she accused dad of incest. Dad said that she could say everything, connect him with all the women out there..he won't give a shit..but he will never tolerate being connected with his own daughters because that alone is a violation of his rights being our dad. All he did was to love and to take care of us and taking that against him is the biggest offender. Having mom step on his ego, dad packed his things and left the house. Right now I could say that we are officially broken until mom agrees to see a psychiatrist.
12 days till Christmas...12 days and we're apart from each other. I remember this Christmas carol about gifts being received during the entire 12 days till christmas. Who wouldn't like of all the cool stuff to be granted over the holidays? But sure, gifts are for the kids to enjoy so having to celebrate Christmas without gifts for adults is acceptable. But this time, can I ask for one wish this Christmas? Just this Christmas...can I be a kid again and ask for whatever I want? It doesn't have to take an entire 12 days list full of gifts. Promise, this will be my only wish on the list..ready for it? Here it is: Can I wish to bring my family back together for Christmas and make things ok again Lord? Can you make that possible please? :'(
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Revelation
Ok. So now what? what am I to reveal? I've gone AWOL from my own blog for a very long time and now I'm coming back with a revelation that no one cares about, no one reads this blog anyway so I don't care, he won't read it anyway.haha Oh well...just so you know, Im in a relationship for 10 years...although I love the guy, yes I LOVE HIM with all my heart and I will marry him..I won't have a cold feet if that's where you're about to head next..but there are still things that I am looking for. C'mmon, being with the same person for 10 years is like eating the same meal every single day, I ain't complaining though..it's just that over a year ago, this guy I met in my muay thai gym simply swept me off my feet..literally during study sparring and figuratively. :) What can I say, I like the guy! He's just this mix of coolness and dorkiness..he's adorkable in everyway..smart, clean (really? clean..what the hell! of all the adjectives..haha) fun, daring, absolutely cute, nerdy..bad ass nerd! I can't just ignore the fact that I've been stalking him for a year now...I suck I know..and it sucks not having him know this. I haven't seen him since March or April I think..no, July! I kinda bumped into him during one of my running sessions and we have exchanged a few private chat messages like around October I think, but it's not one of those kinky, love sick, sneaking-behind-my-bfs-back messages..just the normal ones like friends use to do. BUT I FREAKING LIKE HIM! A part of me wishes that he could read this so he would know how I feel about him so I could finally be free of this feeling, because I don't like this anymore..my philosophy is that when someone knows how I feel about them I get automatically turned off..like auto pilot OFF. I suck huh? but this ain't right anymore..I just hate activating my fb just so I could peek into his FB...I hate it when I don't see an update from him, when I get out of the loop into what's new about him. There was a time when he de activated his FB for quite some time and it pissed me off because it's the only thing that connects me with him. Ugh I feel pathetic right now...but sometimes, having this secret kept within me makes me feel good..that feeling when you go 10 years back in time..it's like high school, but felt right. Damn if he goes up to me and says he likes me, which obviously he won't, who the fuck cares...I will not waste a moment!haha I might..who knows. So there's my revelation...God, I miss him.
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