This 2011, my goal is to stay positive..I have promised in the past that I'll try hard to post good stuff. Forgive me, but this time I can't..I don't mean to go back to my old cranky, nega, emo, self centered self...just give me this time to breathe in and out in my personal (well not totally) space... It's been 2 weeks since my parents got back from abroad...and it's been 2 weeks that I haven't had the quality time with him. He was there on my birthday but I failed to give him my undivided attention since I have to host my own soiree. It kills me not to give him the time he needs...Over the years, I have proven that without time, we drift apart..he drifts apart from me. And I'm afraid that history would repeat itself...right now, Im having this same feeling I had 7,6 and 3 years back...Yes we've been together for 9 years but it wasn't as smooth as some may think it is. We had our share of mishaps...He had his major share of mistakes but I don't intend to get there right now..at least not in the time being. He's been on the rocks lately and it scares the hell out of me...So earlier today, I hoarded all the courage to ask him why he's been acting that way lately. And you know what he said? he said this:
Cold? ako ang cold, e ikaw nagtetext lang pag naaalala mo e...masyado kang busy sa mga ginagawa mo!My heart melted at an instant...actually right now, my fingers are moving at a pace that my heart can't keep up with...my mind is empty of the things that I have to say..that I want to say... but my heart has been filled with nothing but pain..I wish....I'm numb right now... I wish these pain receptors are de-activated so I wont perceive as much pain as I am getting right now. Is it really my fault? Am I too enthralled with the things I've been doing lately that's why I failed to put up to his expectations? I hate arguments...I've gotten past that stage already...I hate the feeling of being defenseless too but at the same time, Im tired of being over defensive. So here's what I said:
It's my fault babe and Im sorry..I promise to text you all the time moving forward.. I love you..
But do you honestly think that I said the right thing? That I took all the blame? Or should it be something like this:
Does it always have to start with me? Are you kidding me? 9 years and you're still asking for my time when all I have given you is more than time itself?I've given you all of me yet you are depriving me of that teeny weeny space that I'd like to have for myself. Really? my fault? you're saying that I choose to text you only if I remember to do so? What about you choosing to remember to text me too? That ain't fair..you're not being fair..You are hurting me right now....but beyond all your imperfections...I chose to be with you...and I will choose over and over again to be with you, you know why? because I love you more than life itself.... :'(
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